Is the ‘cheatee’ as morally corrupt as the cheater?
Last night I slept with a woman’s husband.
I don’t know her, she isn’t a friend, and I’d only been speaking with him for mere hours.
Earlier that day I was across town, somewhere I’m not often logging onto Grindr, and this beautiful man messaged me.
He sent me photos of his face, and other parts, very quickly. This was only surprising after the next revelation – he was ‘happily’ married to a woman.
I’m not one to hurl abuse, even though I don’t condone cheating, so whenever I’ve been in contact with men like this before I’ve just said a blunt ‘no thanks’ and blocked them.
This time I wanted to know more. I hate to admit it, but my attraction had me hooked.
We spent the whole day chatting; horned flirtation over various fantasies but also frank conversation about the difference, he believed, between ‘emotional’ and ‘sexual’ indiscretion.
‘But in a way I don’t consider myself cheating coz I don’t get emotionally involved in guys’ he told me before we took our chat to Whatsapp.
A ‘don’t be used’ alarm bell began to ring.
But he began to seem like a pleasant, well-rounded guy with a conscience who just happened to be in this situation.
He explained how unfair he felt asking people to be discreet and I felt for him when I heard how much abuse he had gotten from men online after coming out so openly about his wife.
At the end of the day, this was a man who claimed to be ‘head over heels’ in love with his wife, but couldn’t ignore his attraction to men. I’m not sure what in his life pushed his sexuality underground but that was the truth of the situation and I had sympathy.
Should I have slept with him? I guess not.
But the truth is, if it wasn’t me it would be someone else, and I wanted him. I was selfish, but knowing she would never know about me specifically helped glaze over my morality as he came through my front door.
It wasn’t good sex, the fantasy of it was better, but it was great conversation. We had a lot in common, talking about our body image and his refreshing take on it from outside the gay point of view, and he asked to see me again.
But my morality kicked in somewhat and I started to feel guilty after he told me the true extent of the lies he tells his wife, keeping sexual health check ups a secret and so on.
I didn’t want to see him again, for sex, but he was a guy I had a lot in common with, weirdly enough.
Before he left he even took me through his whole gym routine, and critiqued mine, which I thanked him for.
We talked for longer than we had sex.
I can’t deny I said things I’m not proud of, or even believe, to help move things along but at the time it was mere fantasy and if I’d said no by the time he asked to meet I would have been the world’s biggest cocktease – something he said he deals with a lot.
But, pleasing him shouldn’t have been my priority. My conscience should have been.
I’m confused as to how clear I should let my conscience be: If she finds out about his sexuality, but never about my small contribution, does that put me in the clear? Does it say something deeper about me as someone willing to play into another’s hand to fulfil fantasy?
I’m not sure how I should feel about what we did last night.