There’s something weirdly pleasurable about seeing a past fling in the street. It happened today and I couldn’t help but think ‘I wonder if he still wants to fuck?’
Then I recalled our night together and how laced with awkwardness it was; how we fumbled around in the dark like drunk monkeys; how he kissed with lots of drool.
I’ve always had a dour approach to sex. I find it is better in my head (during masturbation) than it ever is in real life. When it is just me, I don’t have to endure the anxiety that comes before, during and – sometimes – after the act itself.
Whether this is down to me being sexually assaulted in the past or just crippling anxiety, I don’t know.
There was a period of my life where I hated my body. I would keep as many items of clothing on during sex as possible. Do you know how much of a turn off that is for most guys? Refusing to remove anything that isn’t your underwear.
I once had sex wearing a hoody and denim jacket. Yes, it was very uncomfortable. My keys and phone kept falling out the pockets. When we changed positions, half the contents of my wallet splattered across his bed.
But the more I hooked up with different guys, the more I realised guys do find me attractive. This helped me conquer my body issues. I’m still not asking artists to paint me naked, but it’s a lot better.
Desperately seeking romance
When I feel a spark with someone, my heart races when they even look at me. So sex triggers immediate romantic attachment.
That would be fine but they just want a quick fling.
So where are you left? You either pretend the feelings aren’t there, just so you can continue sleeping together. Or you can, like I always do, tell them you have feelings for them and watch as their texts become blunter, their touch becomes colder and their lives become busier.
That’s the worst feeling ever. You’re paranoid, you feel used, you feel ugly.
It isn’t always ‘fun’ for people like me.
I want more, I want intimacy. I want to wake up the next day and spend the day together, making stupid jokes. I want to cuddle and dish out affection. I want to be able to look disgusting when I wake up without fear of judgement, rather than having to sneak off, shower, brush my teeth and fix my hair before they wake up.
An end to awkwardness
I feel it’s very easy to fall into the trap of wanting something you can’t have. That’s why I want someone that I don’t have to let go; someone that wants to stay. Someone that isn’t going to play games.
We have all been in situations that we could have handled better. It is easier to plead ignorance or cut the person out, rather than admit you fucked up and didn’t take their feelings into account. I want to spare myself the pain and guilt that is born from this in the future.
I’m past having to suffer the awkwardness before casual sex. Is he a top or bottom? Is it okay if I put my hand there?
Sometimes taking down the guy’s trousers off felt like a Russian roulette – particularly if I agreed to bottom. During this stage, I often found myself scanning the room making nonlinear observations in a feeble attempt to calm my nerves.
Sure sometimes you hit the jackpot. But because of the way I am wired, that’s rare. I’ve had my fun, but I’ve had my fair share of hurt and disappointed too. I no longer want to fool around, not unless it’s heading in a serious direction.