My boyfriend is loving in every way except sexually
I love Dillon – truly. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a guy. He’s charming, outgoing, masculine and likeable. We share similar interests too – like working out, movies and summertime camping.
We started dating two years ago, shortly after I turned 31. I’ll never forget the message he sent me on OK Cupid: Hands down, you are the hottest guy on this app.
After going on a few dates, both of us fell for one another quickly. I won’t bore you with all of the boxes we checked off for one another. Instead, I’ll tick off a few of the biggies.
Stable jobs – check. Financially responsible – check. Wants to have kids one day – check. Doesn’t party with drugs – check.
On that last part, please don’t think I’m judging. I’m not. But a long time ago I decided that if a guy was into PNP, it probably wasn’t a good match.
Anyway, the real point about this post is our sex life. For as long as I’ve been active, I’ve gravitated towards the bottom side of the bunk. For Dillon, it’s just the opposite. He’s a top.
That’s not to say he only tops because he does engage in oral (giving and receiving). And he does like his butt played with. But when it comes to penetration, it’s just not his thing.
All of this is completely OK with us. In fact, I prefer this dynamic. Some may find that boring and that’s cool. But in order to write this, I need to keep it real.
So my problem is simply this. Whenever Dillon tops me, he’s kind of brutal. I want to preface all of this by saying he doesn’t sexually assault me. I’m saying this because whenever I’ve told him to stop, he immediately complies.
Transforms Into a Brutal Top
That said, every single time he’s penetrated me, he’s done it in an animalistic type way. What’s more, some of the things he says when he’s pounding me out are just downright mean.
Example. Last week while I was watching TV on the couch, he tore me up. I think I was watching some rerun of Law and Order, getting lost in the plot.
After he walked through the door from the gym, he threw his bag down and walked over towards my direction. Without saying anything, he yanked my shorts down and got on top of me.
That part didn’t really bother me. Spontaneous fun has its place, you know? But it’s what happened next that is typical of how he can be.
So while he’s on top of me, he pulls out his d**k and spits on it. Then, without asking, he thrust it up my hole and starts pumping me. Never mind I hadn’t prepared (aka cleaning up).
Now look guys – I am a bottom so it’s not like I don’t like getting pounded. But if you’ve been bottoming for any amount of time, you know that lube is important. Also, the way the guy enters you also matters.
When I told Dillon what he was doing was painful, it almost seemed like he didn’t hear it. The only way I can describe it is like he became someone else.
When I started to yell, he told me to just stay still. I told him not to be rough. In turn, he even said, “OK”. Encouraging, right?
Not so fast.
That’s because he covered my mouth up with his hand and put me into a choke-hold. In front of us was a mirror. All I could do is watch him top me as I screamed through his palm.
The weird thing is that while he was doing it, I could see his eyes roll up into the back of his head. Again, it was almost like he was in some type of a trance.
While I don’t remember every word of it, he said something like this (which is typical of how it always is):
“Yeah b***, take it. You f***ing take it. All of it boy and shut your mouth. I own you. Got it?”
The entire thing ended only after he seeded me. Once he was done, it was like the trance was over and he returned to his normal, sweet self.
Brutal doesn’t mean I don’t like breeding
I should say here that I don’t mind when Dillon breeds me out. In fact, I’ve always kind of liked it. But every time he’s topped me, it’s always been brutal and rough. It’s like he’s incapable of being gentle or even a little sensitive.
When I’ve talked to him about this in the past, he’s taken the issue seriously. And for a little while, it seems like he tries to be more gentle. Examples include kissing, petting and all that.
But the behavior never lasts. Sooner or later, he reverts back to this guy who becomes a stranger to me. I have a friend who I’ve confided in that’s a psychologist. After explaining it all to her, she offered the following on email.
“If I didn’t know any better, it sounds like your boyfriend is a sociopath. One of the hallmarks of someone like this is an inability to feel someone else’s pain. It sounds like there’s elements of depersonalization involved, which shouldn’t be ignored.”
Honestly, I don’t know if my friend’s diagnosis is right. Dillon has never hit me and he doesn’t act callous or arrogant. But I will say sexually, he does seem to become someone else. Well, at least when he’s topping me.
Finally, I’d like to say that to my knowledge, he doesn’t have any fetishes or anything. It’s not like he’s into BDSM. Well, unless you count the fact that he sometimes likes to wear hoodies.
This last time, Dillon caused me to bleed. I will say that as soon as finished dumping in me and came out of his trance, he immediately offered to help. I could tell that he genuinely felt bad about what happened.
If only I could get him to be more gentle while he’s inside me. At this point, I’m almost ready to call it quits with him because I can’t deal with the brutality.