Tips for negotiating friends with benefits relationships
We’ve all been there. And even if you haven’t you have most likely wanted to be there but it just didn’t work out. A friends-with-benefits relationship, for those who do not know, is a friendly(ish) relationship between two people who occasionally have sex. As simple as that.
However, sometimes (or most of the times) things don’t actually go this way. People tend to believe that this type of relationship is doomed and that, sooner or later, one of the two parties involved will eventually want more.
I’m sorry I bring the bad news once again, but, most of the times, this is how it goes. One guy falls in love while the other one doesn’t want to fully commit. Sucks, right?
So, if you have been in a situation like this in the past and you want to avoid it in the future, or if you are looking to get involved in a totally new FwB (this stands for Friends with Benefits –duh), this story is for you! Keep reading for six tips to maintain a great, healthy friendship with a couple of …perks.
1. It All Starts With The Right Person
Keep in mind that not all people are cut out for a friends-with-benefits relationship. If you really want to experience intimacy with someone from your inner circle and they do not want to engage in a type of relationship that involves more than just a friendship, don’t expect him to change his beliefs for you.
Because he won’t.
Also, don’t you ever think about suggesting an FwB relationship with someone you know he has a crush on you or you have put in the friendzone. It will be just a matter of time for him to fall in love with you and ask for more than you will ever be able to offer. Unless you are a heartless monster who doesn’t care about other people’s feelings.
In this case, ok. You can do it.
2. Have No Expectations
When you are getting involved in an FwB situation, you should never expect anything either in return or from the friendship itself. You should just go with the flow and let things flow naturally and easily.
There is no obvious reason why you should expect all of this to evolve to something more serious and you should not expect that the other party will not develop feelings or might pull away when they are bored.
Also, your friendship will most likely change to another type of relationship that sometimes might feel awkward while other times will feel great and fun. But do not expect that it will be the way it used to be and do not expect great, meaningless sex all the time. Remember that both of you are human beings and your busy lifestyles, personal lives etc. will affect your sexual performance –duh!
The less you expect from your friend with benefits, the more happy and easy the whole concept will be. Generally speaking, DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING!
3. Keep Telling Yourself (and Each Other) That This is Sex Only
When you repeat a certain phrase, your brain feels the need to plant it so deep that it eventually becomes a solid idea, an axiom that is really hard to change. Telling each other and yourself that you are just friends and that this is only about sex, will help you develop this axiom.
Don’t force it but, casually, mention how important he is as a friend to you and how great he is at sex at the same time. Say something funny like “Ah, you are a great friend and a great lover. I feel blessed!” and funny things like that which will both break the ice and will help you monitor your friend’s reactions to see if you are on the same page.
Don’t text romantic stuff and when you meet at your place meet just for sex, and, if you are feeling that things are getting a little bit complicated, speak! You have to clear the air as soon as you feel there is a small elephant in the room. If you let that elephant grow, it will only be too late.
4. Avoid Couple Stuff and Go For Friendly Stuff Only
Would you take a friend of yours out on a date? Why would you do it with a friend that you just have sex with from time to time?
To make things even clearer, avoid even the slightest dat-ish activity like candlelit dinners, walks on the beach etc. You may not understand it at first, but, this way you will only plant the seed that something more could happen and one of you might fall into the trap.
Try and go out with other people and avoid one-to-one drinks that might put you in your romantic mood. If you want to meet late at night, do it only to have sex and prefer to see each other out in the morning or afternoon for a simple coffee. Talk about other men if you want to. You are friends, after all.
5. Don’t Care What Other People Say
Well, your circle will most likely not approve your FwB relationship. More or less, we have all experienced some more intimate feelings for friends or colleagues that we eventually had to shut down because we did not want to ruin the connection we had with the other person.
Your friends will most likely tell you that you are just ruining your friendship and they will try to make you feel bad about it by asking you how you feel about your friend or how your friend feels about you. They will try to look at your FwB relationship from a different perspective and they will make you believe that it actually is a madness.
Make them shut up.
You and the other person know what you want from each other and no one should ever try and make you see their point of view as the only way an FwB connection can work. The sooner you let them know, the sooner they will stop being judgmental.
6. Feelings Still Might Develop
Ok, I’m not trying to be judgmental too, but let’s face it. Feeling still might develop. In fact, most of the times, feelings do develop and things just go wrong.
If you feel that at least one of you wants more, be open about it. Express your feelings and communicate your worries so you can see what can happen between you two or what cannot ever happen. If you start falling in love, grow a pair and tell your friend about it.
Another situation in which you should have zero expectations.
7. You may have to use the bro-job approach
When all else fails and you think there’s just too much of an emotional connection, it might be best to take the bro-job approach. Here, you simply have physical contact in a way that is pleasure focused – usually on him.
I’m not saying you must do this. But I am suggesting you can borrow components of this approach to reach goals.